To My Single Girlfriends

To my single girlfriends who dream of being a wifey and mother,

I love you. Inspiration has hit home tonight. My heart feels a bit heavy, and I just needed to tell you that. Listen to me, you, my beautiful sister, are loved beyond anything you can EVER even imagine.

I also wanted you to know, not only are you loved, but you’re seen. I see you. Jesus sees you.

I know you want to be a wife one day. I know you think your divorce may have scarred you. I know you want endless sleepovers with your very best friend. I know you want not only the HEALTHY marriage, but you want the RIGHT marriage. I know you feel like it’ll never happen for you. I know it seems like everyone else is embarking on a season you only dream of. I know you feel like you’re forever waiting.

I know. I’m there.

I know you dream of the day children and laughter fill the spaces in your home. I know you dream of the day you can see the best parts of yourself in another little human. Will she have my curls? Will he have his eyes? I know you dream of the day you see your favorite person in the face of someone you BOTH had part in creating.

I know, sister. I’m there.

I’m at this really weird place right now. Not only is it weird, but it’s beautiful too, and I’m having to truly accept that. It’s weird in the sense that I dream of all of this too. I wonder what my husband will look like. I can’t even really fathom the man that God created FOR me. Do I even know him yet? Like is that even real? Will that even happen? What will his laugh sound like? His eyes –will they be blue or brown or green? I DREAM of this. I also dream of the days where I hear pitter patter of little feet on hard wood floor. I can’t imagine loving a little human so much. I can’t imagine their giggles. Their smile. Their little personalities. They’ll conquer the world. I just know it.

I often imagine the conversations my future husband and I will have. I know some children are unplanned and unexpected in the most beautiful way, but those conversations that happen when a child is planned. I can’t imagine that or even really fathom it. Like how does that even go?

“Hey, babe. Is it time? Time for kids?”

“Babe, do you wanna have a baby with me?”

I can’t imagine the emotions that come with that. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

OR what happens when you have a child already, and you both decide it’s time for another child to love. Again, I cannot even fathom that. I dream of it.

Ya know, I’m the LAST single/”not a mom friend” in the group of girlfriends I grew up with who are still my ride or dies. I’m Nanny, Taunt Han, Auntie, Aunt Hannah. I’ve watched my beautiful friends become wives then mothers or even just beautiful single mothers, and while I have walked the wife road, I’ve never experienced a child. I’ve never experienced a “Hey babe, let’s have a baby” conversation, and that’s something I HOPE for. And while, I have absolutely loved every single second of seeing my favorite people journey wifehood and motherhood, and their children are MY very favorite humans, it still saddens me sometimes. It’s human. I get sad seeing baby announcements. I get sad seeing another engagement. I’m fearful the dreaded PCOS that I carry around like a scarlet letter will give my husband and I trouble when that time finally comes. I worry. I’m almost 30. Will this even happen for me? I can’t imagine anything better. Being a wife in a healthy marriage and a mother.

BUT

In the same breath I say all this — I see Jesus, and JESUS HAS to be my focal point. He HAS to be my focus. It’s beautiful in the sense that I see so much of Jesus in this season of my life. Bit by bit He’s opening my heart again, and I just cannot wait to see what’s in store for my life. While I yearn for these things, I’m hopeful and content. I’m content in the space I’m in right now. I’m content in my time alone. I’ve learned so much about myself, and I’m starting to love Hannah again, like REALLY love Hannah again, and it’s been such a beautiful, hard journey for me.

I see Jesus in my life now. Every day. He sends patients to remind me I’m loved. He sends people to cross my path to remind me, “it’s not IF, it’s WHEN Hannah”. Our God is not an “IF” God. He’s a “WHEN” God, but I’ve got to be the one to put my trust in Him, and I’ve got to trust that no MATTER WHAT comes my way — husband or not, children or not, He’s still good. He’s got to STILL be my focus point.

I see Jesus in the season where He saved me from an emotionally abusive marriage.

I see Jesus when He protected my womb during that time of my life because He knew down the road we’d eventually divorce. He knew. He protected me. He protected my heart.

He KNOWS what’s ahead for me because He’s planned it. It’s written.

I see Him in the way He’s moved during my marriage, during my divorce, and now in my singleness, and again while there may be parts of my heart that ache when I see this happening for others, I KNOW my God isn’t a God who promises then leaves. He’s not a God who says He’s faithful then vanishes. He IS faithful. He’s present. He’s caring.

He’s the kind of God who loves gently. He’s a gentleman. Gentle in His pursuit of us. He doesn’t rush things. He doesn’t rush the chapters of our lives. The problem is –we get in our own way. We get in HIS way. We think, “well, I want this now. This guy is it for me,” when this person wasn’t even meant for you in the first place, but because He’s given us free will — we do what we want, but again guess what sis? We can’t ruin God’s plan for us. We aren’t that powerful. Your story will STILL pan out just how it was supposed to.

So, I think I say all of this to say,

I know it’s hard. Embrace this season. Don’t let your desire for children and a husband be greater than your love and desire for God. Focus on Him, and all things will fall into place. I’m believing that for myself, but I’m believing that for you too. Cheer for others even when they’re walking in the season you’re hoping for because sista girl, your’s is coming.

Your season is coming.

Just hang on. Hang on a moment longer. I love ya, and so does Jesus.

XO.

Hannah